Humor On Marriage

Choices:

Choices, the lovers

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable,or get married and wish you were dead.

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Husband Wanted”. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

On Infidellity:

The woman did not seem upset that her husband was fooling around. When asked about that, she said, I’m hoping that one of them will take him off my hands for good.”

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Marriage:

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

A young son asked, “Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.”

Then there was a woman who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.”

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.

On finding fault with your spouse:

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If a woman wants to improve herself all she has to do is get divorced. Suddenly she realizes that she has no more faults.

Perceptions:

First guy says, “My wife’s an angel!” Second guy remarks, “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

” A Woman’s Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death “

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Published in: on September 17, 2006 at 4:18 pm  Leave a Comment  

How to spot a liberal or conservative

Left, Right, and Other States of Insanity

I am not quite sure what the meaning of “Conservative” and or “Liberal” is or what it means to different people. I am quite sure it is not so cut and dried as one might think. But below are my over all impressions of what people think they are.

If I had to describe myself, with either one of these labels… I would have to say I was a liberal, although I don’t fit my own sterio-type description below, but that is just in fun anyway.Yet I am sure that part of me is conservative. I don’t know what part that is, but I am sure there is something conservative about me… oh yeh, I don’t get welfare checks or food stamps. Too damn much paperwork involved. I don’t know if that is conservative or just lazy, which might be considered liberal. Its so confusing.

mikepence02gif.jpg Falwell: falwell.jpg

Conservatives:

Your average run-of-the-mill idea of conservatives tend to be thought of as white, republican, Christian, and usually Protestant.

*they are hunters, warriors,and industry leaders,

*They send their sons to war,

*they believe what their president tells them,

*they are anti-abortion, (anti-choice,)

*they are for the death penalty

*they preach “family values” and “patriotism.”

*they would like to plant the ten commandments on the courthouse lawn

*they want to pray to Jesus in public school auditoriums, anyone who doesn’t like it can leave.

*they believe what they hear on CNN, and other network major media.

*they are anti-change

*they claim to want less government (anti-change, no new laws, etc.)

*they want to form a militia

*they have flags on their lawns and yellow ribbons on their cars with the Christian fish symbol.

*they take too many perscription drugs.

madwoman.jpg Liberals, are they ex hippies?

Liberals:

Your average run-of-mill idea of liberals tend to be thought of as poor white, and minorities, mostly catholic, Democrat, atheists or godless pagans.

*They are ex-hippies, draft dodgers, trailer trash

*they don’t trust their president

*they are pro-choice, pro-abortion, free love types

*they are against the death penalty

*they are “atheists” who don’t want the ten commandments on the court house lawn.

*they don’t care one way or another about prayer in schools or they are against it.

*they don’t watch the news

*they want to change the world but don’t know how exactly

*they want to make new laws

*they are probably on welfare or food stamps

*they want to form a commune

*they have flamingos or other tacky things on their lawn and sport all mannor of bumper stickers.

*they live in trailers and drive big cars.

*They smoke pot.

tn-limo.JPG

Of course these are generalizations …. LOL

Published in: on September 14, 2006 at 5:51 pm  Leave a Comment  

The Worst Television Show in the Universe

I know what hell would be like.

I would be tied up in a room and forced to watch

Little House on the Prairie re-runs for eternity.

The show sucks.

 

hell.jpg

cast.jpg

The Show:

You are drawn into their petty little family dramas with a story that always has a moral at the end. The family pretends to have problems but always comes through them with a lesson to be learned about the perfect family and their loving father.

It bares no resemblance to the average disfunctional family drama. Its not funny, or scary, or entertaining. It is annoying, sort of like stale tasting bubble gum that only serves to keep you chewing and blowing bubbles. The show attempts to serve as an example to us what a perfect family should be like, and what yours is not like. I can’t stand to watch that “goody two shoes” garbage. I can’t believe it did not get canceled after the first week. That is really scary. That means there are people out there that actually love and watch that show. How horrifying!! (My mother loves it, but then my mother is a saint.)

The next in line, coming in as the

second worst show in the Universe
is the horror show “Touched by an Angel.”

touchedbyangel.jpg

(Aliens posing as angels sent by God.)

The Show:

It’s message is basically “God loves you, (..so straiten up your disfunctional life, you stupid fuck, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.”) The part I hate the most is where the “angel” reveals that she is an angel as she glows around the edges.

If someone told me they were an angel and started glowing I would call the NORAD and tell them to come pick up their lost glowing alien creature. (Not that I don’t believe in angels, I just think most of them are “evil” aliens, and that there is a very good possibility that they are probably not human and never have been.

Published in: on September 14, 2006 at 5:50 am  Comments (2)  

Humor

About Humor and Fear:

If you don’t have a sense of humor you probably aren’t happy because you probably don’t know how to laugh at yourself and you probably think Marriage and the pledge of allegiance and other things are “sacred.’

Nothng is “sacred.” Things may be important to you, but once you start calling it “sacred” then you start getting too damn serious and you will loose your sense of humor and your inner joy, because there will always be someone who will come along and tramp all over your sacred thing, offending and depressing you deeply.

If you don’t have a sense of humor you probably worry too much.

If you worry too much you are probably in poor health, being all stressed out. Stress kills more people than germs. Stress causes wars. Stress feeds cancer and parasites. Stress is fear. They say that the creatures of the dark feed on your fear. I know that body parasites do, so why not creatures of the underworld?

It is no wonder that laughter is the best medicine. So don’t take life so seriously, get rid of stress and guilt. Cults and people who depend upon fear based ideas, who controll their flock through fear, hate this idea. I even heard a preacher ranting about a tee-shirt that kids were wearing that proclaimed “NO FEAR.” This idea really irked him. But if people could eliminate fear based decisions from their lives, Lawyers, Preachers, Insurance Companies, Doctors, and governments would be shit out of luck in exerting power over others.

This is the earth game, its not permanent. Soon we will all move on to another reality or else we will all be dead so it doesn’t matter. What matters is now. Drop fear, the killer. Drop stress and worry and guilt. How? Kindle your sense of humor. Step back and look at life differently. If you think about it, it is really funny.

Faith will eliminate Fear. Humor heals.

Published in: on September 13, 2006 at 8:59 pm  Comments (1)